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No one has offered me a drink yet which is just plain rude given that I've been poolside for almost seven hours, and I've got a bigger heart than anyone.

pm — I'm not really sure how to best describe what I just saw, but I have to try: A large group just jumped out of the pool at the exact same time and started doing a choreographed dance.

A maintenance man pushes by an enormous trash bin, presumably filled with condoms and empty Lime-A-Rita cans.

Also, this guy is double fisting what appears to be a Big Gulp container and a comically oversized tropical drink flute.

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Afraid everyone in Hell will find out you're a big baby? He's got one of those trash-poking sticks with a pointy end. pm — It's officially afternoon, and we've witnessed our official first bad decision of the day: a woman just walked past the pool with her three small children. pm — Woop-woop: we've got a cooler on the scene.

the "Pool Cam at the Holiday Inn Resort in Panama City Beach, Florida" has sprung up to gladden the winter gloom like a raging boner, or a vibrant yellow crocus; dozens of men in board shorts and women in bikinis lurch towards each other and splash for our amusement. Six women have appeared in the pool, bobbing like porpoises. pm — The pool girls clustered into a tight, floating ball of limbs, like a tropical rat king. I wish I could hear what everyone's talking about. pm — What percentage of the people in this pool have driven drunk in the past 24 hours? Pool dudes have begun to shake their butts and stick their arms straight into the air, suggesting that music just started to play, or that a devastating earthquake is about to rip through this carefree scene.

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